We blame each other for our pain,
As if it is easy for us to hurt others.
As if it only takes an instant and/or complete loss of emotions.
As if it is within a human’s nature and default to break someone.
It’s not easy to cause pain.
Just as it is not easy to break a human being who is born to be resilient.
One stage of getting over someone you loved is when you start convincing yourself how it wasn’t love and that it was just an illusion.
That stage of denial and the shoving away of memories into boxes and hiding them under a pile of mess.
Whether it’s a right or wrong method, it helps sometimes, and it’s helping at the moment.
To the biggest sin of my life,
I have betrayed the promise you begged me to make.
But finally, I don’t feel like fighting my feelings anymore.
And I’m tired of giving him up to someone else.
So, before I place your book on the upper shelf,
I’ll say one more last goodbye,
And thank you for the pain and love I’ve received
When you kiss me,
The sensation hits a chord of confusion.
Shyness takes a hold of me,
Stopping me from looking at your eyes directly,
Afraid of confronting the lack of
Or the existence of intense feelings towards you,
Which forces me to find shelter in the uncertainty
That I’ve wrapped myself with in the past years.
Take me for a night drive.
We’ll take turns with the playlist.
We’ll listen in silence.
I’ll light us up a cigarette.
And we can drown in our own pollution
Of thoughts and smoke.
And so very sly of you,
To only have you blame me for whatever fucked up shit I put you through.
Blaming me for the way you felt good because you’re used to my whatever vibe.
I blame you too, you know.
Whenever I’m a specific kind of lost,
I look for you in between the crowd of human flesh.
You were the frame that held me together when something didn’t work out.
I got used to you making me feel safe when I felt empty and unlovable or too hard to handle.
You knew what you were doing, and don’t lie to the both of us that you were clueless.
You wanted to pick up my pieces and show me that only you could do it.
And it’s true, but the whole truth is you can only do that when I’m half lost and almost healing;
It doesn’t work when I’m too broken or have fully healed.
Now, I’m almost healing,
And all I can think about when you cross my mind is
I can’t wait to tell you how shitty it has been and how close I am to being okay.
I blame you too.
So now, we’re even.