You have my attention, now.

The red string is thickening, and fate

Is cheering him on.

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I pray for your happiness more than I pray for mine.

Don’t ask me how I feel about you,

Because the answer is the same.

I honestly don’t know.

I know that the way I view your personality

Has changed over the years,

Which makes it confusing for me to figure out my feelings.

I don’t think I’ll ever love myself wholeheartedly,

Because if I did, I would have accepted your love.

I never think I deserve that kind of admiration.

Maybe that’s why I can only chase behind those

Who can love me less than I do.

Don’t ask me if there’s any hope,

Because the answer is still the same.

I hope you’ll find someone better

Who can love you the way you deserve to be loved.

I feel like,

I can never allow myself to be with you

Because I think too highly of you.

And I think too little of myself.

May or may not be a glitch.

That’s why.

That’s why it’s difficult to pull away from your strings.

It isn’t simple love or too much of it

Or that I got used to the idea of you.

Something within me acknowledges the weight of your actions,

When I lacked expectations and hope,

And your efforts inspired me to believe in something greater than my circumstances..

What went wrong?

We “functioned by pain”

And we both were getting high on that.

It was convenient…

No it wasn’t.

I was just dealt the right card at the right time.

The strength you had and the strength you gave me

Can only be in and be given by you.

And I should have been aware of all of this from the beginning,

But I can’t always be right,

And whenever I was right, it was because I’ve learnt this before…

I think,

The thing that put me off

Or the thing that delayed my full understanding is

My sudden extreme sense of hope.

I’ve never hoped about something the way I did towards anything related to you or us.

And it was either hope or complete awareness of our situation.

Now.. with realizing how incompatible we really are,

How we both can never be the pillar that can help the other to stand tall and confident,

How we can cause so much misery under the umbrella of I love you’s,

After I’ve become aware that this love story can never be repeated

With you (again) or anyone else.

The hope I had that our story has not yet ended cease to exist.

The hope that I could find someone that could make me feel the way you did is no longer alive.

I’ve buried it, said my prayers, and now I grieve,

With a satisfied heart still beating and moving on…

“Hello darkness my old friend..” Hello depression. Hello stress.

I thought visiting their graves was enough,

Exchanging thoughts and breathing the same air, for a while.

Then leaving for a more hopeful destination.

But my visits have been more frequent recently,

I thought I’d stop coming a long time ago.

And this weekend, I found an invitation as clear as daylight.

I should have never showed up.

But here I am.

Facing them, drawn to them, again.

Feeding on my weak heart.

Telling me to dig them up from the ground.

Promising me what I couldn’t achieve yet, alone.

Promising me again, that I needed them.

And I’m tempted to give in.

But the last time I did that, it didn’t turn out well.

And the recovery was painful.

So I stand there, silently crying,

Waiting,

Searching for the strength within me

To pull me away from that cemetery

To get over the dead.

To make peace with my living self.

I stand there trembling.

Afraid to let go.

Afraid to be alone.