Shadows of your sins do not appear in the dark.

For a while, I lived in the dark.

He came, and I only knew how to threw punches to the air.

He came and wrapped me with his love,

His smile was enough to light up my way.

He extended his own light to open up a path for me.

Just as it started to become so bright,

I look behind me to convey my gratitude,

To see him sit there, drained, bruised, with half a smile.

His smile was enough to light up my way, but I realise

Why he couldn’t use that anymore; why he had to use another source of light.

In the dark, I couldn’t see where I was punching.

In the dark, I thought it was only air.

And he was the air that I was breathing- Oh.

Even I ask why.

They ask why is it difficult to love you,

I tell them that I do.

They ask me why can’t I make it work,

I tell them because I can never compromise with you.

They ask why continue to be selfish, and why can’t I step down for a change,

I tell them, because that is who I am with you.

They ask why do I bother looking your way, if I won’t make it work,

I tell them, because I selfishly love you my own way, even if in an unconventional way,

Even if it costs you to hate me.

May I?

May I continue to be confused about you from afar?

May I want you thinking you don’t want me anymore?

May we continue pretending that everything we went through didn’t affect Us even though it did?

May you look at me with those kind eyes, that make me think for a second you might still long for me?

May I be that selfish person again around you, because I miss being spoilt by you?

May you ignore me and my selfish desires and be rid of confusion.

To the 4th of November.

One stage of getting over someone you loved is when you start convincing yourself how it wasn’t love and that it was just an illusion.

That stage of denial and the shoving away of memories into boxes and hiding them under a pile of mess.

Whether it’s a right or wrong method, it helps sometimes, and it’s helping at the moment.

A part of me wanted you to hold on a little longer.

Did I request a refund?

Did you send the package at your own discretion?

Did I come by knocking on your doors, asking you to give it back?

I cannot recall how it happened

But when I stripped down to my bones,

I found a muscle beneath my ribs,

Beating peacefully

In its rightful place.

You go up the ladder, only to go down the snake.

That moment when you attempt to move on,

And you find a little ounce of happiness in something that has nothing to do with him..

And a faint voice inside you whispers back his name,

And asks you, “what about him? Did he move on?”

Then you mentally reply to yourself,

Convincing yourself that,

“He’s okay, he moved on, accept what’s happening right now, don’t look back”

But you find yourself with the phone on your ears,

Ringing,

And you’re waiting for someone to pick up…

Who am I calling?

Then you hear his voice.

And although that moment of happiness,

That moment of satisfaction was just about

to write a new chapter,

You’re back to a couple of chapters behind… revisiting those feelings,

Confused,

Doubtful,

But also relieved…

As you hear his stupid voice, that you love so much.

That you still love.

But wish you can just

Detach from.

Are you afraid?

You’re right, 

Life is short

The future is uncertain. 

You know exactly what you want now.

We want things to happen the way we want them, but we cant. 

And I’m scared. 

I’m scared things wont happen.

Because an approval wasnt granted from both parties. 

Because the government stalls or finds a hole to bury our dream in. 

Because we’re not good enough according to our mamas.

Because of fucking high standards that we dont even give a shit about.

Because my life is shorter than we’d expected.

Because someone loses patience.. and -I’d rather not even finish this sentence. 

Because what “we were meant to be” actually referred to was anything but that step. 
But.. I don’t have a better solution than to wait. 

And I cannot go through another battle that is harsher than the situation we’re already in.

I can barely battle distance right now.

I dont have the mental strength to battle family, us, hope, and the chance for that dream to shatter so slowly in front of me. 

And I am terrified. 

I am worried.

All I want is for everything to go as we want them, 

Before it’s too much for you that it all becomes not worth the trouble. 

And I just want to remind you, 

My sweet Demon;

I have always loved you. 

And I will always love you 

in this life, 

the afterlife,

and in all the known 

and unknown dimensions.