ButThe only name I call out forThe only name I loudly begTo take the last part of me away. The only name I whisper To blow my brains and insidesIs yours.
I open the door to exit the room,
Then I close it and reach out
To the next doorknob.
I stop midway, I put
My arms down my side.
I walk in the noisy hallway
Past so many different doors.
It feels like I’m running.
I find an espresso machine,
I make myself a cup,
I find a sofa and a book,
I sit and I sip.
I read and ignore the
Desires, roaring from behind
The doors I’ve passed.
My desires. My temptations.
And so very sly of you,
To only have you blame me for whatever fucked up shit I put you through.
Blaming me for the way you felt good because you’re used to my whatever vibe.
I blame you too, you know.
Whenever I’m a specific kind of lost,
I look for you in between the crowd of human flesh.
You were the frame that held me together when something didn’t work out.
I got used to you making me feel safe when I felt empty and unlovable or too hard to handle.
You knew what you were doing, and don’t lie to the both of us that you were clueless.
You wanted to pick up my pieces and show me that only you could do it.
And it’s true, but the whole truth is you can only do that when I’m half lost and almost healing;
It doesn’t work when I’m too broken or have fully healed.
Now, I’m almost healing,
And all I can think about when you cross my mind is
I can’t wait to tell you how shitty it has been and how close I am to being okay.
I blame you too.
So now, we’re even.
I’m already screaming someone else’s name.
We “functioned by pain”
And we both were getting high on that.
It was convenient…
No it wasn’t.
I was just dealt the right card at the right time.
The strength you had and the strength you gave me
Can only be in and be given by you.
And I should have been aware of all of this from the beginning,
But I can’t always be right,
And whenever I was right, it was because I’ve learnt this before…
The thing that put me off
Or the thing that delayed my full understanding is
My sudden extreme sense of hope.
I’ve never hoped about something the way I did towards anything related to you or us.
And it was either hope or complete awareness of our situation.
Now.. with realizing how incompatible we really are,
How we both can never be the pillar that can help the other to stand tall and confident,
How we can cause so much misery under the umbrella of I love you’s,
After I’ve become aware that this love story can never be repeated
With you (again) or anyone else.
The hope I had that our story has not yet ended cease to exist.
The hope that I could find someone that could make me feel the way you did is no longer alive.
I’ve buried it, said my prayers, and now I grieve,
With a satisfied heart still beating and moving on…
We were fucked up
And in love.
But we wouldn’t have remained fucked up forever.
And love felt the same way.
When are you coming home? Gramps is gone. It must’ve been lonely getting the news while you were there. I couldnt decide if it was best to ask about how you were holding up, or just trust you to take care of yourself and ask you face-to-face how you were. I’m sorry if I chose the least preferred choice. But I believe you’re able to keep yourself together unlike me. It’s why I’ve decided studying overseas aint for me. I guess everyone was wrong. If anyone was going to make it outside between you and me, then it would be you. My strength is a different kind of strength. It’s the kind that isnt suited for being away from home for too long.
Gramps is gone. And I get that information. I just don’t understand it completely. I feel like my processing is way slower than normal. I dont think I understand what it means that he’s gone. And I’ve been thinking really mean things about this whole death situation.
I hope you come back soon. So i dont need to worry about you too much. Plus, there’s a hole that needs to be filled with your presence.
Aaaaah, I’m a coward for not being able to talk to you. But I dont want to cause any unnecessary distress.