Pre-surrender syndrome

Multiple papercuts

Acid squeezed on the superficial injuries

And the pain is felt deep within

As if a strained muscle

Or the spread of a heartburn to your eyes,

Shedding from agony.



Obesity; full of unspoken words.

Conditions of a surrendering soul.

Giving in to desperation.

Prognosis yet undefined.

Consciousness slipping.

It’s like dipping my eyes in the ocean

as I look up to the sky;

white crystal lines

swimming on the surface of the water,

but these are more circular

colliding with one another.

If I focus enough,

I can hear them whispering,

lost between their words and mine,

completing the gap with the sound of passing cars.

Staring at them as they get closer,

luring me in some kind of trance,

as if I am in need of anything that takes away

what is left of my consciousness.

Another voice and its craving.

“If it’s the stress, just think of me and you’ll be alright”, he said.

For the first time, I wanted to scream out how factual that statement is.

Finally, we’ve come to an agreement.

If it’s true, why didn’t I think of him

when my body was rebelling against me

shouting at me to slow down with the studying?

A double-edged sword,

that statement is.

Thinking of you would’ve eventually reminded me

of how much I truly miss you.

That would have heightened my stress.

And I told you that.

Then you felt good.

But I didn’t tell you that so you can feel good,

I told you because it is the truth.

I’m confused.

And I don’t know what’s going on,

why am I reliving a past that I have ended myself

years ago,

causing you pain and insecurity.

But for whatever reason,

You’ve been on my mind lately,

And it feels like I’m cheating on another part of myself.

Too many versions in my head, too many voices,

but the voice who’s loving you right now,

who has been dormant for a long time,

is now awake,

and, God help me for saying this, it needs you.