For a while, I lived in the dark.
He came, and I only knew how to threw punches to the air.
He came and wrapped me with his love,
His smile was enough to light up my way.
He extended his own light to open up a path for me.
Just as it started to become so bright,
I look behind me to convey my gratitude,
To see him sit there, drained, bruised, with half a smile.
His smile was enough to light up my way, but I realise
Why he couldn’t use that anymore; why he had to use another source of light.
In the dark, I couldn’t see where I was punching.
In the dark, I thought it was only air.
And he was the air that I was breathing- Oh.
I look into our past conversations,
And I feel like suffocating.
I wish I knew before, that the worst enemy
You can ever encounter
Is yourself. Your mind. Your eyes.
You play tricks on yourself.
And others get blamed for your blindness or your own manipulation to yourself.
And everyone suffers.
You tell yourself a story to justify your rage,
Your hurt, your feelings of betrayal,
When barely anything of that story is true.
The facts have been twisted for your own liking.
I look into our past conversations,
And I find my side of the story of how things went between us invalid and unclear.
Leave my desires alone.
Let them run wild, without being touched
Without being thought of
Without calling out to them.
Don’t name them.
Don’t give then any identity
Just let them go and play around in my mind
With no red strings attached
Just keep me unaware of what they are,
Maybe I won’t long for you
For a change.
They ask why is it difficult to love you,
I tell them that I do.
They ask me why can’t I make it work,
I tell them because I can never compromise with you.
They ask why continue to be selfish, and why can’t I step down for a change,
I tell them, because that is who I am with you.
They ask why do I bother looking your way, if I won’t make it work,
I tell them, because I selfishly love you my own way, even if in an unconventional way,
Even if it costs you to hate me.
May I continue to be confused about you from afar?
May I want you thinking you don’t want me anymore?
May we continue pretending that everything we went through didn’t affect Us even though it did?
May you look at me with those kind eyes, that make me think for a second you might still long for me?
May I be that selfish person again around you, because I miss being spoilt by you?
May you ignore me and my selfish desires and be rid of confusion.
From my dreams.
Please don’t come back anymore.
Every time I hear your voice
And feel your presence.
I break once again.
And I barely picked up my pieces from last time.
That’s why I love you.
Even when you change, that’s a part of you.
Even when you fall back, that’s a part of you.
Even when you no longer know who you are and take time to rediscover yourself, you’re you.
So just be you
and don’t mind the rest.
Don’t mind me
The more I talk about him with an unregrettable way,
The more I heal from the inside,
The better I breathe oxygen, rather than breathing sadness.
The memories, feel like highlighted parts of my dusted books.
All that is left, is for me to reach the last page,
And it’s been five years, and I still can’t make myself read the end of this story.
It’s hard to let go,
When i can still feel the pressure of your touch
Even in my dreams.
I want my wedding gown to be made of the sky and a million of stars.
I want my smile to be the brightest sunlight to my outfit.
I want my light to be reflected on his eyes and form two moons instead of one.
I want to embrace him and tell him, “that even in our darkest of days i will be there to make sure we make it through together”.