Dream 14.05.16

A ghost from the past reappeared

in my dream, last night.

He stayed with me until I was secure,

that his presence is absolute.

Then he faded away,

the same way he drifted off in reality,

and all the insecurities I locked away

screamed at my face.

My brother and Jehan were there,

one in each side,

neutralising my state.

Then a scene of a lecture hall took place,

and I was sitting right at the back with them,

and a faceless man sits right beside me,

a familiar gut feeling,

an unfamiliar touch as his legs brushes against mine;

his words were soothing,

his laugh was begging for mine to form.

He knew of the earlier incident.

He came to rescue my wrecked self.

I’ve met this guy in real life,

but where?

Who is the person my subconscious sought refugee in?

Why did I not look at his face

and ignored his presence?

Why did the fear of losing another loved one crawl onto my heart,

leaving me but sheer curiosity,

when I woke up to a pale ceiling.

 

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Nonsense (1)

This is insane. Nothing is working. What the hell is wrong with me? I’ve never been so unstable and out of control. Goddamn it, get a grip of yourself! I was drifting already two years ago, and I thought I’ve reached a whole new level last year, but this.. this is different. I’m sleeping in and I can’t afford to sleep. I’m watching ANYTHING just so I can forget my other responsibilities. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG! It’s driving me insane. I’m taking death too seriously. I shouldn’t be taking death seriously; I don’t want to face whatever comes after death. FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHEN DID I EVER GET SO RIDICULOUS AND PATHETIC FUUUUUCKKK!!! I want to scream. I want to scream all the time. I don’t even get mad these days. I can’t be bothered to even scold. I just suck up a stupid laugh and curse as if I’m joking and leave the room to avoid any conversation. This is worse than a painful breakup. Worse than a tragic romance. Worse than a nightmare where your mom discovers your darkest secret. This feeling is way worse. I feel like I’m drinking acid all the time. I don’t feel like eating anymore, but I eat because that’s my routine. I feel sick most of the time when I try to eat, but I manage to shove that acid back down and sleep it off. It takes 2 hours and a half for me to sleep. It takes 12 hours for me to wake up. It takes the rest of the day to regret that i WASTED TIME AND DID NOT STUDY SHIT!

I feel like dissecting myself and burying my parts by myself. I don’t want to even burden anyone with my worthless body. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling this way. I hate crying. I despise it. But it’s the one thing I want to do lately. I’m not even doing it right. I can’t cry when I want to. I can’t shed a decent tear to get all this stress away. It only comes when it pleases and stops before I’m actually relieved. I’m starting to think that “Crying” is alive and has a mind of its own. Selfish bastard. Doing whatever it wants and taking my body as shelter. Here I go again. blaming anyone but myself.