Always give them the benefit of the doubt…

I look into our past conversations,

And I feel like suffocating.

I wish I knew before, that the worst enemy

You can ever encounter

Is yourself. Your mind. Your eyes.

You play tricks on yourself.

And others get blamed for your blindness or your own manipulation to yourself.

And everyone suffers.

You tell yourself a story to justify your rage,

Your hurt, your feelings of betrayal,

When barely anything of that story is true.

The facts has been twisted for your own liking.

I look into our past conversations,

And I find my side of the story of how things went between us invalid and unclear.

I don’t want to drag you in with my confusion.

I can’t afford to take the hint

And hold your hand,

Even though I want to

Because its value to you

May be different to what it is to me.

Walking down the tunnel. 

I see you at the end of the tunnel

As a speck.

The more I get closer,

The smaller you seem to get.

How about you walk to my direction?

Or halt.

I refuse to sprint or run.

My stubborness is a default.

I should have kept myself 

In that four walled vault of mine,

Books rearranged on my shelf

And gave no shit about signs.

Signs and their interpretations

Their sophisticated explanations

Unnecessary expectations

And shallow-based frustrations. 

Should’ve just drank

That cheap Carefree bottle

And left my sentiments just.. Blank.

And not think about what I would’ve done this April.

Dishonest Relationship

And what we had was a dishonest relationship.
One where my eyes would express lack of interest,
One where I’d glimpse his smile and ache deeply,
Because it was intended not for me, but for another weakly.
One where I would talk about anything but us
To avoid saying any truth that can force our memory to rust
One that tempts me to warm myself against him
And expect goosebumps to spread on his skin.
One where he’d speak of the XX’s so openly
And I’d listen with an indifferent act..Silently
A dishonest relationship that I have selfishly accepted,
To fulfil a wish that has not yet been granted
A dishonest relationship that was created in my mind
Hence the name, as there is nothing real that you will find.
A dishonest relationship where he is not present,
Where I haven’t yet revealed my feelings that still ascend.

A dishonest relationship still exists
Until this man can call me “his”.

Tearing apart..

I’m tearing apart. I can hear the sound of detachment, as my soul is breaking away. It aches. Severely painful. Excruciating and torturous. Tilting my head backwards, trying to ease the pain, clinging on to .. anything, clenching tightly, piercing my skin with my nails, bleeding – but I am not aware of it. I cannot let out a scream – I think I am already screaming, but I hear nothing, I can only hear the sound of something shredding, detaching, resisting.. though it feels it will give in. Give in to pain. Surrender hopelessly. Maybe then, pain will stop. Maybe it will show mercy. Maybe it will listen to my screaming – though I cannot hear it myself. I am out of breath. I was already out of breath, once that scream escaped. That shriek of terror. Of dismay…. Until darkness coats my eyes. Leaves no sense of consciousness. Then the cold hits my legs – and I wake up.

I wake up from my thoughts. My soul still bound to my body, I think. Or is this the dream? Where I find peace? – I do not know anymore.