Come back already and swallow my selfishness.

It’s unfair.

And so very sly of you,

To only have you blame me for whatever fucked up shit I put you through.

Blaming me for the way you felt good because you’re used to my whatever vibe.

I blame you too, you know.

Whenever I’m a specific kind of lost,

I look for you in between the crowd of human flesh.

You were the frame that held me together when something didn’t work out.

I got used to you making me feel safe when I felt empty and unlovable or too hard to handle.

You knew what you were doing, and don’t lie to the both of us that you were clueless.

You wanted to pick up my pieces and show me that only you could do it.

And it’s true, but the whole truth is you can only do that when I’m half lost and almost healing;

It doesn’t work when I’m too broken or have fully healed.

Now, I’m almost healing,

And all I can think about when you cross my mind is

I can’t wait to tell you how shitty it has been and how close I am to being okay.

I blame you too.

So now, we’re even.

Advertisements

What went wrong?

We “functioned by pain”

And we both were getting high on that.

It was convenient…

No it wasn’t.

I was just dealt the right card at the right time.

The strength you had and the strength you gave me

Can only be in and be given by you.

And I should have been aware of all of this from the beginning,

But I can’t always be right,

And whenever I was right, it was because I’ve learnt this before…

I think,

The thing that put me off

Or the thing that delayed my full understanding is

My sudden extreme sense of hope.

I’ve never hoped about something the way I did towards anything related to you or us.

And it was either hope or complete awareness of our situation.

Now.. with realizing how incompatible we really are,

How we both can never be the pillar that can help the other to stand tall and confident,

How we can cause so much misery under the umbrella of I love you’s,

After I’ve become aware that this love story can never be repeated

With you (again) or anyone else.

The hope I had that our story has not yet ended cease to exist.

The hope that I could find someone that could make me feel the way you did is no longer alive.

I’ve buried it, said my prayers, and now I grieve,

With a satisfied heart still beating and moving on…

Same battle, just a different day.

A year and a half ago,

They said everything will be alright.

It’s been a year and a half already,

And I’m anything but alright.

A stroke on the back

And a pat on the head

And a sentence full of lies; Everything will be okay,

Along with the last word “Eventually”,

Not telling you what the definition of “Eventually” is,

Or how long it takes for “Eventually” to come.

Or are “Eventually” and I not meant to meet.

So I learnt not to say that lie, which I thought was the truth,

I learnt not to say it to anyone.

It gives off a false hope.

Too much hope.

Hope that not everyone can handle,

including me,

Not for a pessimist like me.

Now let’s re-live the situation;

Where I tell you everything that has been bothering me,

Where I tell you I hate living because I’ve lost the will to live.

Then let’s skip the part where you judge me for being so negative,

Where you attempt to understand me and actually try to tell me that you do,

But maybe you refrain from stating another lie.

Then let’s skip the part where you decide that you could make Life seem so magical,

That there’s so much more in Life, and that I need to commit to it so it can show me how Grand reality can be if I give it another “Real” chance.

Let’s get to the part where you state your last words,

Will you still tell me

that Everything’s gonna be alright?

I plead not guilty.

Every time they come knocking on my door,

I kick them out,

They come barging in like its their territory,

and I drag them out like garbage bags.

They enter and trespass, and I’m the one who’s charged for ignorance.

The judge sides with them, and I know Life is the name of that judge.

Death befriends me, knowing we’ll be companions soon.

I’m given a deal to admit that whoever’s pressing charges exists,

in return I’ll live peacefully and they’ll let me go.

They lie.

They’ll be like germs. Everywhere.

I throw the deal at their despicable faces,

and they beat me up till I bleed. Pain.

They want to inflict pain.

Pain is what I’m made of, idiots.

You threaten me, but I won’t budge.

I won’t welcome the emotions that I won’t admit.

I’d rather live in a cell alone than confirm that they exist.