Category: Reflections

Tell me. Tell me how to live again.

I sometimes forget why we breathe.
Most of the time I’m not even aware that I’m alive.
I have lost the will to survive.
I think I’ve lost it ever since that time.
When I killed that part of me that possessed all the emotions so I can stop sinning the way I did,
I killed my survival, that attached itself to those emotions.
And even though they managed to be reborn, it wasn’t enough for a push of motivation.
I wish I could stop escaping reality.
I wish reality could be more appealing and lend me a hand
Rather than letting me go and flee again,
Wasting another precious day and night.
If only I could stop blaming everyone and everything,
Maybe I’d be able to do something about my wrecked future.

Stating the obvious. (because procrastination)

I wish I came from a society that encouraged us to explore the world the way that we want to.

To make mistakes and challenge ourself how to overcome them.

To meet strangers and learn what it means to be betrayed or to be hopeful that there is still good in the world.

To construct our own philosophy of life and its values.

A bit more freedom.

Rather than having these forced concepts placed upon us.

Giving birth to beings who are dependent on their family,

Like they’re on a cursed leash.

I wish and I complain and I still rant.

But I still love where I come from,

Even if I constantly damn them for almost everything.

I am a contradictor,

Sue me.

Blame

I don’t really blame him, you know.

I don’t blame him for the wreck that I am.

I was already a broken ornament

that was rigged together randomly

to survive this wretched world.

Attempting to stay strong and keep it together,

since I was a child.

The abuse.

Academically independent.

The abuse again.

Forbidden love.

Parental miscommunication.

Highlights of the bullshit I had to brush off my shoulder.

And he comes along,

turning this independent cold-hearted woman,

to an actual human being,

just because he listened to me carefully;

attentive to the smallest details;

with no judging remarks nor pity;

constantly commenting on my strength,

but also leaving room for my weaknesses,

because realistically speaking I have both.

I don’t really blame him

for any pain he might think he has caused,

because truth be told, he was my version of Hope –

if Hope was in human form.

He proved that this world isn’t as hopeless

as I might think it is.

But it’s easier to blame someone else

for the emptiness you have inside,

rather than on your lack of strength

to deal with this lonely life.

I don’t blame him

because he loved me;

the sinned me;

the abused me;

the weak me;

the strong me;

the hardworking me;

Me.

If anything,

I thank him.

For showing me that I still deserved to be loved.

An excuse or a true conflict?

I’ve been working so hard – academically,

to get the highest grades,

that at some point, I forgot why I was studying.

An honour student all through

secondary school;

high school;

foundation year;

1st year undergrad.

That’s a total of 8 years.

After eating the same meal for so long,

you don’t know what it tastes like anymore.

You’re sick and tired

and your senses become all numb.

Can’t I fail just once,

so I can understand what success tastes like again?

It’s hard to appreciate what you have,

if you’ve had it for a long time.

I want someone to tell me that it’s fine

to fall down and stumble,

to be the one who’s unsuccessful,

to see how the view differs from being in the ground

than the view from the top of the mountain.

I want to see it by myself,

so I can comprehend why I’m doing what I’m doing.

I need someone to tell me they’ll stand by my side,

when my parents find out that I haven’t been trying my hardest

because of all my internal conflicts.

They think that I am an improved version of them,

but all I am is anything but that.

I don’t want to be compared by them,

I don’t want to be compared by anyone else,

I want to only be compared by myself.

I wish people would understand that.

That the only struggle is how to be better than yourself.

How can I be better if I don’t know what is the worse version of me –

academically speaking?

Reflection: imagination

I’ve always asked myself how he could easily imagine a scene of us being together when we haven’t even met. The details he mentioned of the whole scenario surprised me every time. I was able to feel the emotions that associated with every scene, every element he mentioned but I failed to picture it clearly in my head. The images were like stars, too far away for me to reach and grasp it in my hands. It was like looking at them without my glasses on, too blurry. Because truth be told, I was afraid that if I opened the door for me to see us vividly and it doesn’t happen, the disappointment will never wear off. More importantly, I was afraid you’d be gone before we even get a chance to meet, after I’ve already daydreamed about you and imagined you sitting here next to me and imagined the things I would have done to you but can’t anymore because we no longer exist in the same world anymore. Now, where would I have trashed out all these images. My mind is not a computer, I can’t just delete these scenes in my head. I can’t undo what you did to me, what I did to myself. And this is exactly what happened. Just after I’ve let myself see you there in front of me, and I was stupidly smiling to the space next to me, 3 days later, it was all over. I didn’t have the right to picture you then. But I still do. I still do.

Reflection: “Saudade”

“Saudade”

‘- (noun) A Portuguese, untranslatable word romanticizing nostalgia in its purest form. This beautiful feeling captures the yearning for someone or something that you love, which is now lost. It is a melancholic longing.Saudade’s pronunciation varies according to the speaker and country, which only adds to its sincerity and vulnerability.’

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I’ve been trying to capture this sentiment and describe it in my own words for a while now, but I’ve been failing miserably. Too many drafts. Too many missing words that could elaborate this beautiful and real sensation, but some feelings are hard to express fully. Difficult to transcribe each and every emotion into words that flow eloquently and perfectly and in complete harmony. This is probably due to my holding back to the sadness I’ve been bottling up and refusing to allow myself to remember all the pleasure I had once felt, resulting in not completely understanding the bitter-sweet yearning for a certain kind of absence.

Reflection: Heartless, eh?

Heartless, eh?Is that how you see me?

Ah, well, you were always the victim, weren’t you?

The one suffering, the one in pain, the innocent one – all you.

The one who lost the only love, the only hope in this cruel world – you.

The one with the broken heart – you.

The one who is so torn that couldn’t hate the only love you had, even after two years – you.

You ask me to return your call, and I answer with silence – heartless, eh?

You ask me to fill the hole that I presumably made, even though that hole was there before you even met me – heartless, eh?

You ask me to wrap you, fold you, cherish you, just like I once did, and when I asked you then to unwrap yourself, you told me no that this is the person you are, that the personality you had wasn’t big news. Even though I changed my ways for your own taste, and when I changed back to the person I am, I was called… heartless, eh?

You, the one who let me shut myself from the world just to focus on your love and let me crush to pieces and breakdown, – heartless, eh? Oh, wait, you did not notice that I was breaking down, did you?

You ask me to defy oka-san just to make you feel better – who’s heartless, eh?

You ask me to disregard that what we may have has no real ending, to ignore the fact that there are consequences, to forget Kami-sama’s orders – who’s heartless again?

Ah, I’m the heartless one, no?

Since I’m heartless, please shut the fuck up and leave.

Don’t burn me alive like you once did, with clear invisible flames, no one could see them except me.

Marks still exist, only for my eyes to see. The pain still lingers like an annoying child that won’t leave his mother.

I can endure anything that comes from that selfish mind of yours, but taking the blame for your suffering is something I will never accept.

You are a selfish son of a bitch that will only think about your happiness solely and disregard mine.

I will not settle for this shit anymore.

Take responsibility for your own pain. Stop dragging other people with you. Stop drowning me with all of this guilt.

Even if you couldn’t hate me. I’ll tell you this. I do. I hate that you don’t recognise the shit you caused. So oblivious. Ignorant.

I hate how selfishly you speak. You have even become more selfish than before, why am I even surprised.

But yeah, going back to that remark of yours, I am heartless, I gave my heart away – oh, but I didn’t give it away to you..

My heart is distributed to all the people I have loved and love, except you.

Reflection – Eye make up

I really wanted to put eye make up today, but I’ve got a cold and my right eye is badly swollen. I wanted to apply a bit of blusher as well but I thought the tears would leave a dumb line across my face.

Even so, I put make up on and left my right eye without eye-liner and mascara, so it doesn’t end with black catastrophes ruining my face when tears start running.

I look like Mulan when she was singing ‘Reflections’ and wiped half of her make up. And I still smile, because no matter how you look at it, you’d realise that I generally put make up on for myself, not for others, but for me. I like how the eye-liner traces my eye. I like how mascara emphasises the color of my eyes. They’re brown, not black.

That is basically the highlight of today.