So tell me you love me softly and repeatedly. 

He does not comprehend

How hearing the sound that his vocal cords emit

As his lips give way for one phrase to escape over and over again

Has stopped me many times from picking up a needless fight. 

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The lie is the truth.

A smack…

on the face. 

The realisation

of an existing love

that you should have abandoned.

The realisation is like

A smack…

on the face.

You bury your face under your hood,

trying to escape that information;

It’s not true.

You don’t love him anymore. That’s the truth.

That’s the truth.

The kind of truth that tenses your jaw muscles.

The kind of truth that forces you to remind yourself every morning.

The kind of truth that leaves you hanging.

The kind of truth that smacks you with a lie.

The lie that you still love him.

Smack.

Smack.

Smack.

Stop.

So what?

So what if the lie is the ultimate truth?

So what?

You can’t do anything about it.

But you can tell yourself a different truth,

and live on,

until the lie becomes the ultimate lie.

That’s what you can do.

Right?

Half of the bed.

Half of the bed,

Filled with words 

And the minds 

Of other beings

But the one 

I yearn for.

I call your name,

And they answer instantly.

Satisfied, I am.

But it takes

More than ten minds

To compensate 

The body of yours.

I think of 

Disposing my shelves

And use the other half

As shelter 

For my beloved books

To seal up the hole

You might have made.

I’ll pile them up. 

And I’ll hold them tight.

And fall asleep

Within your embrace.

I mean their embrace. 

Satisfied, I try to be. 

  

First encounter

It’s the sound of his breath as he gasps and swallows nervously. 

It’s the sound of the air he slowly lets out, as if I’ll steal away his breaths. 

It’s the sound of his steady heart that was stuck on one beat, starting to accelerate – one thump after the other. 

You can see him being aware of his heart pumping so fast like he’s on a rollercoaster ride that just went down the slope. 

You can see his eyes glaring right through me, like he’s trying to read my mind.

You can see his eyes tracing every detail in my face, my neck, my collarbone, my shoulders.. then back to my face as I raise an eyebrow or two. 

Then a smile on his face is formed. 

The way his skin just extends from the midline to the sides,

His lips stretching, eyes drooping, cheeks puffing. 

Oh those droopy eyes of his;

I would kiss them one by one, as a sign of gratitude that he found pleasure in a face and body like mine. 

I would also brush my nose against his nose, softly kiss the tip of his nose – 

And find him take advantage as he steals away a kiss.. 

I would be caught off guard that I shriek and quickly recover as I indulge myself within the grasp of his eager mouth. 

Knock

I heard a knock on the door
At 3 in the bloody morning.
I looked through the hole,
He was right there standing.

Eyes swollen and red.
I could have sworn I saw a tear running.
His shirt so soaked and wet,
Probably from the rain that was pouring.

Then that tear was just a raindrop,
His eyes – he could’ve been high again.
I told him never to smoke and to stop,
He also told me he won’t cause any pain.

He’s knocking again now, gently and slow,
I can feel the desperation in his fists,
Trying to lift them as he deliver his blow,
I can see him saying something now, but all i can hear is a hiss.

Was he stuttering on the letter ‘ess’?
Or maybe he was just freezing cold?
I did hear it would be 0 degrees or a minus,
Either way, he’s not mine to take care off and to hold.

Another knock,
Another escaping word.
Should I unlock?
Or pretend that I haven’t heard?

I’m leaving, I’m giving my back to the door,
Two extra bangs and I freeze,
But it was too sudden that I fall on the floor.
I can hear his voice now, like a howling breeze.

Why is he here? What is he doing here?
I told him I don’t want to see him,
I told him to go away, to disappear,
And to let me hate him and to condemn.

When once I was fuelled with his love
I have found more passion in hatred.
Our fate that was held between the stars above,
Have faded away in despair and drifted.

So I’ll stay here on the ground,
I’ll remain untouched and unemotional,
Until you stand there scratching on your wounds,
Making them bleed like you’ve bled my mind and soul.

I’ll stay here on the ground,
I’ll remain as I turn my heart into stone,
Until I hear you choke like you’ve drowned,
Just as you’ve left me without air, all alone.

I’ll stay here, until you leave.
So please for fucks sake leave.
Because now it’s getting harder to breathe,
As I hear you cry and grieve.

Leave and find another heart to torment,
While I stay here on this lonely ground,
And time passes from the present,
And I finally start asking “when will my heart once again be found?”

There, that twitch of a smile

There
That twitch of a smile.
When you remember those times
Of pure stupidity and foolishness of the past.
The kind of past that when mixed with the present
It urges you to hope
Rather than haunt you to misery
A history that you still have diaries about
That you couldn’t even burn their existence
Reminding you of some of the idiotic and childish mistakes,
That you’ll be protecting your kids from
The kind of mistakes that you spent hours laughing about yourself
After just reading the first page.
There it is again..
That twitch of a smile.
That reminded you of the sound of his laugh,
How it paired up perfectly with the opening of his mouth,
Showing his imperfect teeth,
That you just loved regardless.
That reminded you of his droopy eyes and full cheeks,
As they meet each other with that grin of his.
That reminded you of his smart ass attitude
That bad boy persona and dirty talk.
Yeah, always had a thing for trouble..
And there it goes again.
That twitch of a smile.