An excuse or a true conflict?

I’ve been working so hard – academically,

to get the highest grades,

that at some point, I forgot why I was studying.

An honour student all through

secondary school;

high school;

foundation year;

1st year undergrad.

That’s a total of 8 years.

After eating the same meal for so long,

you don’t know what it tastes like anymore.

You’re sick and tired

and your senses become all numb.

Can’t I fail just once,

so I can understand what success tastes like again?

It’s hard to appreciate what you have,

if you’ve had it for a long time.

I want someone to tell me that it’s fine

to fall down and stumble,

to be the one who’s unsuccessful,

to see how the view differs from being in the ground

than the view from the top of the mountain.

I want to see it by myself,

so I can comprehend why I’m doing what I’m doing.

I need someone to tell me they’ll stand by my side,

when my parents find out that I haven’t been trying my hardest

because of all my internal conflicts.

They think that I am an improved version of them,

but all I am is anything but that.

I don’t want to be compared by them,

I don’t want to be compared by anyone else,

I want to only be compared by myself.

I wish people would understand that.

That the only struggle is how to be better than yourself.

How can I be better if I don’t know what is the worse version of me –

academically speaking?