I’m tearing apart. I can hear the sound of detachment, as my soul is breaking away. It aches. Severely painful. Excruciating and torturous. Tilting my head backwards, trying to ease the pain, clinging on to .. anything, clenching tightly, piercing my skin with my nails, bleeding – but I am not aware of it. I cannot let out a scream – I think I am already screaming, but I hear nothing, I can only hear the sound of something shredding, detaching, resisting.. though it feels it will give in. Give in to pain. Surrender hopelessly. Maybe then, pain will stop. Maybe it will show mercy. Maybe it will listen to my screaming – though I cannot hear it myself. I am out of breath. I was already out of breath, once that scream escaped. That shriek of terror. Of dismay…. Until darkness coats my eyes. Leaves no sense of consciousness. Then the cold hits my legs – and I wake up.
I wake up from my thoughts. My soul still bound to my body, I think. Or is this the dream? Where I find peace? – I do not know anymore.
I lay back, close my eyes, and float in the rhythm of my dreams..
And when once my dreams were an escape from reality..
Reality has come to haunt me to my bed,
As it has graved itself at the core of my subconscious.
Now I cannot tell between being awake or asleep..
The pain feels the same in both worlds..
The guilt tastes sour, choking me.
There is no relief, but heightened stress..
Drowning by my own misery, my own history.
Is there a writer out there..
Who could rewrite my yesterdays
And glamour them with sugar-coated lies?
Maybe I could be manipulated that all these dreams and reality
Are the stories of a character in a book..
A sad old dusty book.
That has nothing to do with me.
That I’m just a reader of my story.
With your tenderness..
With your affectionate
Unravel my unfathomable
And deepest secrets..
It does not mean agreeing
Or disagreeing for that matter.
It resembles anything..
Or nothing at all.
Her honesty was once
Full of pure and polite letters
Piling up to cross a radiation
Of happiness, creating
A smile on everyone’s face.
She did not need to pretend
Or fake being nice.
She was already nice.
Now, she remains honest
But only a third of the letters
That make up the words she says
Only a third.. Is good.
The rest of the time, she smiles
Or is silent till the end.
Her love was killing me,
and my love for her was draining away my energy.
I was suffocating,
and my heart was shrinking, losing power, losing Love.
I had no love for anyone but her.
It was making me sick, burying me alive.
Until one day, my soul gave me an ultimatum.
My heart stopped racing, my soul started leaving
But as I left.. as I left her, It was like
I dragged the defibrillator and
My Soul shot in me, spreading throughout my body
Purifying every inch of me, starting with my Heart
Bringing me to Life, Loving everyone but one.