A reminder

A long time ago
Before writing notes
In our phones
Became the norm
Over jotting things
On pieces of paper
I used to manually write
In specific notebooks
Or random papers
That I’d stick into
These notebooks.
I used to write
The date and time
And exactly how i felt
And what happened.
No matter how silly
Or how inappropriate
No matter how many times
I repeated that story
I wrote.
I drew.
I doodled.
I signed.
I did not write because
My emotions were
It’s because
I had a problem
With my memory.
I tend to forget
And I come across
As ungrateful or indifferent.
So I wrote.
To remind myself how
I once felt
At a certain period
Of my life.
It is a reminder
Of how much I’ve changed.
How my priorities,
Have rearranged.
It reminds me
Why I did what I did
Back then,
That these were the emotions
Behind my actions
And my thinking.
It is a justification
Given to defend myself
From myself.
It is as if
I was trying to tell
My future self
To not be too hard
On myself,
On my past,
And the mistakes
I’ve accepted to take
Responsibility for
But could no longer handle.

Just when..

Just when I told myself
That I won’t fall again,
I did.
Just when my smile has become
Involuntary and empty,
I giggle.
Just when I’ve accepted
The darkness to cover me,
I rebel.
Just when I got sucked
Within a void that I’ve built,
I escape.
Just when I have lowered
All my expectations,
I hope.
Just when love and admiration
Had no value
No meaning,
I fall.

Dishonest Relationship

And what we had was a dishonest relationship.
One where my eyes would express lack of interest,
One where I’d glimpse his smile and ache deeply,
Because it was intended not for me, but for another weakly.
One where I would talk about anything but us
To avoid saying any truth that can force our memory to rust
One that tempts me to warm myself against him
And expect goosebumps to spread on his skin.
One where he’d speak of the XX’s so openly
And I’d listen with an indifferent act..Silently
A dishonest relationship that I have selfishly accepted,
To fulfil a wish that has not yet been granted
A dishonest relationship that was created in my mind
Hence the name, as there is nothing real that you will find.
A dishonest relationship where he is not present,
Where I haven’t yet revealed my feelings that still ascend.

A dishonest relationship still exists
Until this man can call me “his”.

Whenever she tries to breath..

Clenching the hems of her sweater as her breathing slowed down with the suffocating feeling that whatever is choking her airways is also blocking everything down to her stomach. 
Thinking about nothing but the pain that tingled through her trunk, centring at the upper left. 
Hearing the pounding of her heart against her chest, rhythmic, steady.. Now uneven, shaky, and.. halting.