Nonsense (1)

This is insane. Nothing is working. What the hell is wrong with me? I’ve never been so unstable and out of control. Goddamn it, get a grip of yourself! I was drifting already two years ago, and I thought I’ve reached a whole new level last year, but this.. this is different. I’m sleeping in and I can’t afford to sleep. I’m watching ANYTHING just so I can forget my other responsibilities. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG! It’s driving me insane. I’m taking death too seriously. I shouldn’t be taking death seriously; I don’t want to face whatever comes after death. FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHEN DID I EVER GET SO RIDICULOUS AND PATHETIC FUUUUUCKKK!!! I want to scream. I want to scream all the time. I don’t even get mad these days. I can’t be bothered to even scold. I just suck up a stupid laugh and curse as if I’m joking and leave the room to avoid any conversation. This is worse than a painful breakup. Worse than a tragic romance. Worse than a nightmare where your mom discovers your darkest secret. This feeling is way worse. I feel like I’m drinking acid all the time. I don’t feel like eating anymore, but I eat because that’s my routine. I feel sick most of the time when I try to eat, but I manage to shove that acid back down and sleep it off. It takes 2 hours and a half for me to sleep. It takes 12 hours for me to wake up. It takes the rest of the day to regret that i WASTED TIME AND DID NOT STUDY SHIT!

I feel like dissecting myself and burying my parts by myself. I don’t want to even burden anyone with my worthless body. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling this way. I hate crying. I despise it. But it’s the one thing I want to do lately. I’m not even doing it right. I can’t cry when I want to. I can’t shed a decent tear to get all this stress away. It only comes when it pleases and stops before I’m actually relieved. I’m starting to think that “Crying” is alive and has a mind of its own. Selfish bastard. Doing whatever it wants and taking my body as shelter. Here I go again. blaming anyone but myself.


Musings of an Imperfect Heart

I’m lost. And it’s my own fault.  It’s about time I figured out that I can’t ask people to keep me found.  ~ Anne Sexton

I am found, again and again, in the dreams of others, only it isn’t me, I am simply a kaleidoscope image, with each turn a complexity of beauty when held to the light, a dance of shapes and colors, an escape from the stagnancy life can produce when you forget…

what you do not see, when you put me down, tuck me away on the rainy days when clouds bring out the darker shades, is I am as lost as I ever was when there is no light to bring direction, I never did like order, I prefer the chaos of forgotten schemes, besides, your life was never meant to be mine.

I, myself, forget, how misplaced I really am, when I fall into these…

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