Nonsense (1)

This is insane. Nothing is working. What the hell is wrong with me? I’ve never been so unstable and out of control. Goddamn it, get a grip of yourself! I was drifting already two years ago, and I thought I’ve reached a whole new level last year, but this.. this is different. I’m sleeping in and I can’t afford to sleep. I’m watching ANYTHING just so I can forget my other responsibilities. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG! It’s driving me insane. I’m taking death too seriously. I shouldn’t be taking death seriously; I don’t want to face whatever comes after death. FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHEN DID I EVER GET SO RIDICULOUS AND PATHETIC FUUUUUCKKK!!! I want to scream. I want to scream all the time. I don’t even get mad these days. I can’t be bothered to even scold. I just suck up a stupid laugh and curse as if I’m joking and leave the room to avoid any conversation. This is worse than a painful breakup. Worse than a tragic romance. Worse than a nightmare where your mom discovers your darkest secret. This feeling is way worse. I feel like I’m drinking acid all the time. I don’t feel like eating anymore, but I eat because that’s my routine. I feel sick most of the time when I try to eat, but I manage to shove that acid back down and sleep it off. It takes 2 hours and a half for me to sleep. It takes 12 hours for me to wake up. It takes the rest of the day to regret that i WASTED TIME AND DID NOT STUDY SHIT!

I feel like dissecting myself and burying my parts by myself. I don’t want to even burden anyone with my worthless body. I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling this way. I hate crying. I despise it. But it’s the one thing I want to do lately. I’m not even doing it right. I can’t cry when I want to. I can’t shed a decent tear to get all this stress away. It only comes when it pleases and stops before I’m actually relieved. I’m starting to think that “Crying” is alive and has a mind of its own. Selfish bastard. Doing whatever it wants and taking my body as shelter. Here I go again. blaming anyone but myself.

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