Satisfied with Pain

Why is it easier to live
When i see you suffocate?
Observing your pale skin
And nerves nicely thickening..
You try to breath
And I.. I stand there
Inhaling.. Aggressively.
Watching your eyes widen
With horror.
For a while,
I have been
Satisfied with pain. With your pain.

The answer
To the original question,
Is that..
You’ve never showed me
But weakness.
You have made it easier to endure.
It’s not that I enjoy seeing you suffer, like they judged
But you’ve implemented it
Within me
As a bad habit.

Escape.. To Nothingness.

As i sit here in the Brotherton’s library,
I escape reality
To enter a world of .. Nothingness.
-not fantasy. No, that’s similar to reality.
Nothingness is simpler.
It’s about.. Just pausing there.
It’s the time between taking your breath and releasing it again.
It’s the interval between one eye blink to the other.

Imagine how many times I’ve escaped reality.. Do the math.

Breathing your battles away.

In the beginning,
You write for yourself.
Trying to express the battles,
That you’re constantly fighting within you
Wearying every breath you take
While you elaborate every detail.
As you exhale
Its as if one enemy down.
And as you inhale again
You take a stab..
In a distinctive agonising memory.

She and ‘her’

She was having her doubts, again.
But this time it was firmer.
It was not about if she loved ‘her’ no, that she knew was a definite Yes.
But whether it was for the right reasons.
Religiously, it is not accepted.
Neither did society approve.
She was praying that she’d hate ‘her’.
She was praying day and night (especially the night because she would look at the moon and feel like she’s talking to ‘her’)
She was praying that ‘she’ will make the first move
She was praying that God could replace her heart that was so warm and tender towards ‘her’ with a cold and rigid muscle.
Until she unintentionally started to do all the things ‘she’ hated her to do.
But wait, the things she was doing were actually the things she used to do (before she met.. ‘her’).
Then her mind started to think, contradicting with her heart completely.
But the mind was rational, and still is.
She realised she had made huge and multiple of sacrifices for ‘her’.
She had done things and stopped doing things for the sake of her love she held for ‘her’
So.. She did almost everything that she used to do (and enjoy).
Her priorities started to change..
Her life seemed easier, living the way that she used to.. Before ‘she’ came along
Her mind started to think, started to acknowledge that this is going nowhere.
With this life, with this society, with the faith that she possesses.. This is going nowhere.
And because all of these thoughts and following actions..
They were going through a rough time.
She was pushing ‘her’ to the edge.
Obviously the person who she really is, is not the person ‘she’ approved of.
And as she was testing ‘her’ patience..
‘She’ finally broke up,
And life have never felt so pure.
Now she could even enjoy a cup of tea with her Mum.
Now she could go meet her friends -all of them.
Now she could study -without interruptions.
Now she could meet people with real ambitions and drive her to do her best.
Now she could call her family with the top-up that she has.
Now she could find time to learn the violin.
Now she could go enjoy a book and a coffee -because finally she has time for that.
Now she could wear whatever she wants.
Now she could socialise with others -and keep it to herself and not feel like she’s betraying anyone for just saying hey to someone.
Because now, she loves ‘her’ no more.
Because she is guilty-free.
So now she could do whatever she wants.

She can. And she will. And she did.

Summer. Play. Pause.

What’s the normal period of summer vacation?
Almost three months, right? But no, mine.. Mine lasted for four years, since 2010. And, this is a small description of that period.. Until I have the right words to give details of that summer.

Yes. My summer paused since that date
My knowledge and communication to the world may seem late
Wait, did i confuse you? Let me explain
For you may think it was a summer without Pain
It started and ended with a broken heart
I fell in Love, but i eventually fell hard
Wait, do you think i was the one crying?
With a heart on the floor broken and dying?
I’m sorry again, for all of these confusions,
But i guess i’m really good at making delusions.
At least that’s what they told me,
Them and the same person who loved me.
But dont get me wrong,
Its not that i didn’t love back as i loved for so long.
But not all relationships last..
They eventually love until they’re in the past.
But until i’m ready to share what i’ve been through,
I’ll give you the chance to judge me, so please do.